Well that one didn’t work out!

Didn’t get to go to Blo last night.  The snow came in and destroyed the roads.  I’m told they’re supposed to clear up by Sunday, but I have my doubts.  Drove the mile to work and back yesterday at 10mph, blinkers on, and the guys behind me could pass if they wanted.  But I wasn’t about to speed up for any tailgaters.

I was incredibly disappointed.  I’d got up at 6am to get my workout out of the way, I was packed and I had to cancel all my plans.  I had dinner plans, a party, and coffee with a new friend.  But then people wanted to tell me how I was more excited to see one group rather than the other.  I can’t just miss my friends and the concerned party.

How can you move on and be a better person when others won’t forget the past?  Or at least try to accept what you’re trying to do.  It’s not fair.  And then people don’t get why you want to go somewhere else or just go to sleep instead of talking to them.

If you know a guy who might be trying to turn over a new leaf, give him a chance for God’s sake.

Geek embraces the city (3)

Escaped to Blo once more yesterday.  Party being thrown by my good friend, the same host as before.  In my book I call a character based off of him William.  Well Willy here throws a party and I come up to the city monday night.  I picked up the Cat and we proceeded to an earlier dinner invitation with Willy and three others at  his place.

As others started slowly trickling in I proceeded to get shit-faced beyond all recognition.  I don’t know why especially.  I don’t hardly drink anymore but me and another guy got two others to play us at beer pong and then I forgot how much whiskey goes into a glass and the equivalence of 8 shots later I was praying to the porcelain God.

It was a stupid thing to do, because I lost sight of those I was with.  Willy was playing host, The Cat was dancing around as she does and I puked my brains out through my stomach before midnight.  I met a few people I hadn’t seen in ages and they left before I could compose myself.  That was no good.  A couple of them were girls from high school that I used to be very close to, and it was a shame they saw me for the first time in ages as such a mess.

By midnight, with the help of vomiting constantly, sipping water and munching bread I was sober again.  A rather fascinating transition.  There were people who got tanked and were gone the whole night.  It almost feels like I willed myself into coherent thought.  Like something inside my head screamed for me to wake up and come back.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy having a couple drinks, but it’s that big brother complex, you know?

The folks here at work say the night was a failure because I didn’t hook up with some random broad.  I don’t know, but I’ve never been good with the whole “fuck and flee” mentality.  It’s sickening to think about.  There was so much going on, I love the kids there so much but I’d love them to use their brains as opposed to their genitals every once and a while.  Willy, One of the Kapi twins and I ended up driving people home, talking things out and taking care of people in perfect harmony.  It’s funny. One minute I’m mindlessly hammered and the next I’m giving rides home.

I think it’s okay to do that though.  It’s okay to have a little to drink but stay sober enough to watch out for people.  I didn’t hook up, I didn’t fuck off, I didn’t fight.  I’m okay with that.  I would like to have someone to hold my hand at least.  Give me a hug or fall asleep with me.  Appearently that’s very “gay” of me if the workplace is to be believed, but to hell with them.

Got up, Got Denny’s with Willy.  It was a good night and the morning wasn’t bad either.  Donnie Darko now.  ❤

How do I love my friends?

This is a bit of a three part celebration for me this holiday season.  Yes, I am alone.  I have no baby to call my own or visit on Christmas which is odd.  Haven’t been single so long in a while.  Can’t remember the last time I didn’t have someone to call on Christmas.  But in a way it’s still so beautiful.

Christmas Eve!  I’m sure I’ll be excited for the following morning, but I’m going to collapse into bed without that childish butterfly feeling.  I’m going to be well drained and hit the sack early.  I get to go to a Christmas eve service at Our Lady Of The Lakes.  My religion means so much to me, and on this most sacred of occasions I’m more than happy to attend an over-crowded mass full of Christers and regulars alike.  Maybe one day I’ll have someone to take to midnight mass with me.

Christmas Day!  It isn’t presents I’m excited about.  I asked for a few Stephen King Novels that I haven’t yet acquired but not much else.  I like being productive.  Little distractions are nice but I love the feeling of Family the most.  I like us all being so close and kind to each other.  I’ll settle down with one of my books and doze through the day helping my sister with this and that or entertaining my numerous younger brothers.  I pray one day I’ll build a family like that.

The Twenty Sixth and CP ’11!  I get up, work out, go to work, dress up and drive to Buffalo for a party.  This unique aspect may just be my favorite.  I don’t hate anyone anymore.  I have no one to fight and nothing to quarrel about.  I convinced members of my senior class counsel to come out when they initially replied with a simple “maybe”.  I’ve always loved those girls as my friends though we were never particularly close outside of school.  It’s not romantic, it’s just comfortable to know these are the people I graduated with.  We faced the world together and soon we’ll be out of this chaotic limbo and starting real lives with kids and families and houses and pets and jobs and responsibilities.  I love the very concept and I love the fact we’ll reunite under The Angel Faced Boy’s roof.

All three days are like the ghosts in a Christmas Carol.  Past, Present and Future.  May it be lovely in each regard.  Merry Christmas, Reader.

-Geek

Quiet House

The Victorian is unnaturally silent.  My brothers and sister and parents spread to the four corners of the earth at least for a little while.  It’s nice to be able to think without hearing anything but the cars going by outside.  I slept in a little later due to a back ache, OD’d on Excedrin and then worked out when I got home instead.  Lightened the weights up again from 15lbs to 10lbs.  Stepped out of the shower into quiet.

But I don’t want this quiet all by itself.  I want to hear a voice humming or hear the breathing of another being.  We don’t have to be in each other’s business, I just like the company.  I’d like some company that’s not blood.  Blood synergizes with itself.  Families co-exist because they are on that same frequency.  I want to coexist with people that are like blood, but have their own wavelengths.  Particular vibrations that fill a room as they walk in, or echo silently through the house as they move from room to room like Ghosts.

I finished the first chapter of Frosty-A-Go-Go.  Hopefully I’ll get more done or edit the old stuff, but right now… right now I want to go for a drive, smoke a cigarette and plug into the music.

Old friends and development.

Saw an old friend tonight.  It’s funny how you can talk to someone you haven’t really hung out with regularly for half a decade and yet tell them deeper things then you tell the best buddy you see everyday.  I appreciated the time spent with that person.  It wasn’t just me spilling my guts on the dashboard for dual analysis, but her as well.  It’s interesting how presenting those kinds of things in front of those who once meant much but now mean comparatively little can help you get it out.  Punched the dashboard.  Threw my keys.  Hit the steering wheel.  I never show frustration like that anymore.  It was a poor lapse in composure, but I don’t think she minded as much.  I just hope I didn’t spook her.

Upped the weights I use on “Sculpt” days from 10lb to 15lb.  It’s not much of an improvement compared to all the other guys who played sports in high school, but it’s an improvement none-the-less.  I keep getting the feeling my chest is growing from the inside, as if a constant reverberation is  slowly excreting muscles to widen my pectoral muscles and shoulders.  The work-outs get me high and I love it.

It’s possibly the best part of my day when I strip off my sweat soaked clothes and step into the hot jet of the shower.  At that point I have nothing to do, nowhere to go, and only aching muscles to bother me.  I admire my body’s improvements in the steamy haze like a narcissist.  I get to know the particulars of each pain, and lay out what little more I have to do.  I just wish I could sleep right.  Each